“Recovery feels like shit. It didn't feel like I was doing something good; it felt like I was giving up. It feels like having to learn how to walk all over again.”
― Portia de Rossi
Trying to eat again releases bizarre feelings. The creature bites, kicks, screams and claws its way through my brain. It feels like you are betraying your best friend, but at the same time slapping your worst enemy in the face. She has stood by me, solidly and reliably for years now, when I was scared or sad I always had the comfort of my rib cage, there to show me that I was good. I was thin. I could always be thinner though. I've been here 2 weeks now and to be perfectly honest, I feel like absolute shit. My weight has bounced around the place. My first few days, it continued to drop quite rapidly, but at that stage I was only having to consume cups of hot milk and two muller corners a day. My poor little body wasn't up to anymore and suddenly coming out of starvation wouldn't have done it any good. Gradually, my diet has been built up, now it is at the stage when I am having to eat: a big bowl of cornflakes and 250ml milk, 2 slices of toast and peanut butter, 250ml hot milk (coffee in it of course), a large main meal (always with carbs), a muller corner yoghurt, 100ml juice, 250ml hot milk with coffee (again), another large main meal, muller corner yoghurt, 100ml fruit juice, 250ml hot milk and coffee, another slice of toast and peanut butter. It is absolutely terrifying and I feel as it my body has ballooned. I am still being weighed daily, every morning at 6am, and whereas before my weight was hardly moving, it seems to now be making up for lost time. It has quite literally been coming on leaps and bounds and I am absolutely horrified. The speed at which it's climbing simply proves to me that my body is not built for food. If I eat, I will get fat. I don't need as much as other people and therefore, it's easier if I just don't eat than having to worry that every bite I take might cause me to balloon. It's insane how warped your brain becomes, a bmi of 15 seems colossal and unnecessary and the apprehension over soon reaching it is keeping me awake at night. I do know, however, somewhere in my rather peculiar mind, that I am doing the right thing. One cannot live a life with anorexia, as it is simply not a life.Every moment is dominated by fear, self loathing, routine and compulsion and there is very little room for anything else. So, although I'm scared, I know I must keep going.
The unit is a friendly environment at the moment,which makes all the difference. There are some lovely patients about, with ages ranging from 18 to 70. All the girls have been incredibly supportive, and one of the most vital part of my treatment thus far has been the sense of solidarity and security. One of the girls said a few days ago,when I was having a complete meltdown..."Maya, you will get through this, even if I have to drag you half the way, you can get better". Her belief in me has made such a difference. Of course, Vincent Square is still rife with bizarre behaviours relating to food, exercise, everything really. People pacing the corridors, desperate to burn a few extra calories, pocketing toast, arguing over the size of potatoes. I am not exempt, behaving in a hysterical way when it comes to food. So, that's where I am right now really. Simply trying to plod along. I have come to realise that whatever I do,it will feel like shit, so id rather try to get over this and have the prospect of a happy life than settle for a half life in a dungeon.
Here we go again
Friday 11 October 2013
“Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is… Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever.”
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted
So, here I am. Alone. Ashamed. Back at Vincent Square. I am a failure. I suppose everything spiralled out of control. Things just all seemed to be wrong, I was wrong, life felt wrong and it was easier to follow my white rabbit and fall down the rabbit hole. That is, it seemed easier, until I was plummeting, everything I was leaving behind whizzing past me. By that point it was too late. I was bound to hit the bottom. My heart shattered into a million pieces months ago and for some reason I thought I would be able to find it in Wonderland. The truth is, the heart cannot be whole when your World is so confusing. No one can love such a damaged being. I only wish that I could find my way out of here, back to the riverbank and the safety of love and kind words. The irony is, the only way out is through, and to get through you need strength, determination and belief, three things which I currently cannot find. I am tired now. It has been such a long time. It seems to be all I can remember. I can barely recall the happy girl I see in photos, who had the energy to dance, to laugh, to be a good friend. You cannot love one who does not love them self. I need to learn to love myself. To value every part of me. I need to see every kilo as part of my character returning. I want to get back to being that girl who had the capability to be loved and to accept love. I hate that I cannot be fully there for those around me. I hate that I am so weak, that I give in to this monster. It is just hard not to, when the World around you seems like such a big scary face. Thea said to me a few days ago, as we sat on her sofa and I sobbed as we cuddled "My Maya, we need to get you better, because I promise you, you won't be so scared then, right now, you are scared of just everything, and that is just not you". She is right. I hate that I am scared to eat. Even to drink. How absurd. Surely it should be ones basic instinct, yet a little, strong, self destructive part of me jumps on that instinct and goes "no no no, you don't need that Maya, real strength is the ability to run on air". I remember who I was, it seems like a different girl. 'Before', when I had curves, I would go and drink too much and do silly things, silly, but not life threatening. I would dance because I wanted to and because I loved to, not because I wanted to burn more calories. Life was not dominated by a looming presence, intent on destruction. I have gone from living, to simply being. This is not a life. And as I lie here, worrying about the fact that I have been motionless for so long, I think, is it really worth it? For on the path of anorexia, it is not only weight you lose. So so much more is engulfed and lost in this horrible illness. I no longer call myself a good friend, I call myself a burden. I am no longer anyones girl, I am a worry. So anorexia, please let me go. I am scared of losing you, and of gaining weight. I am scared of getting hips again, I always hated my hips. I diagnosed myself with 'violin deformity' (google it)- I am still convinced of this in fact. But I need to remember something, whether I have bloody Violin deformity or love handles as vast as all the love I have, losing weight will not make things better. It will numb it, but this is not life. Numbness means that nothing can get better. I need to get better. I need to leave this behind.
I am scared.
Any words of wisdom, notes telling me I'm a bloody idiot, pictures, anything really would be gladly received. Post always brightens the day in here. If you have the time or inclination to, I am at:
Vincent Square Eating Disorder Service
1 Nightingale Place
Kensington & Chelsea
London SW10 9NG
Of course, I do understand most people will not have time for such things, just if you do. No pressure though.
I wish that when I fell apart I made sure to keep hold of all of the pieces. As it is, they are scattered like confetti all over and I have lost a million little bits of me. If you find any, please tell me, for I will be waiting. If only I could've held on, but this fearsome monster scattered me in the wind and watched me disappear. It was like the tumbling of a pot of glitter, a huge mess sparkling from the floor, and however hard you try, however many times you hoover and sweep, there will still be hundreds of specs, glinting up at you, taunting. I love glitter.
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted
So, here I am. Alone. Ashamed. Back at Vincent Square. I am a failure. I suppose everything spiralled out of control. Things just all seemed to be wrong, I was wrong, life felt wrong and it was easier to follow my white rabbit and fall down the rabbit hole. That is, it seemed easier, until I was plummeting, everything I was leaving behind whizzing past me. By that point it was too late. I was bound to hit the bottom. My heart shattered into a million pieces months ago and for some reason I thought I would be able to find it in Wonderland. The truth is, the heart cannot be whole when your World is so confusing. No one can love such a damaged being. I only wish that I could find my way out of here, back to the riverbank and the safety of love and kind words. The irony is, the only way out is through, and to get through you need strength, determination and belief, three things which I currently cannot find. I am tired now. It has been such a long time. It seems to be all I can remember. I can barely recall the happy girl I see in photos, who had the energy to dance, to laugh, to be a good friend. You cannot love one who does not love them self. I need to learn to love myself. To value every part of me. I need to see every kilo as part of my character returning. I want to get back to being that girl who had the capability to be loved and to accept love. I hate that I cannot be fully there for those around me. I hate that I am so weak, that I give in to this monster. It is just hard not to, when the World around you seems like such a big scary face. Thea said to me a few days ago, as we sat on her sofa and I sobbed as we cuddled "My Maya, we need to get you better, because I promise you, you won't be so scared then, right now, you are scared of just everything, and that is just not you". She is right. I hate that I am scared to eat. Even to drink. How absurd. Surely it should be ones basic instinct, yet a little, strong, self destructive part of me jumps on that instinct and goes "no no no, you don't need that Maya, real strength is the ability to run on air". I remember who I was, it seems like a different girl. 'Before', when I had curves, I would go and drink too much and do silly things, silly, but not life threatening. I would dance because I wanted to and because I loved to, not because I wanted to burn more calories. Life was not dominated by a looming presence, intent on destruction. I have gone from living, to simply being. This is not a life. And as I lie here, worrying about the fact that I have been motionless for so long, I think, is it really worth it? For on the path of anorexia, it is not only weight you lose. So so much more is engulfed and lost in this horrible illness. I no longer call myself a good friend, I call myself a burden. I am no longer anyones girl, I am a worry. So anorexia, please let me go. I am scared of losing you, and of gaining weight. I am scared of getting hips again, I always hated my hips. I diagnosed myself with 'violin deformity' (google it)- I am still convinced of this in fact. But I need to remember something, whether I have bloody Violin deformity or love handles as vast as all the love I have, losing weight will not make things better. It will numb it, but this is not life. Numbness means that nothing can get better. I need to get better. I need to leave this behind.
I am scared.
Any words of wisdom, notes telling me I'm a bloody idiot, pictures, anything really would be gladly received. Post always brightens the day in here. If you have the time or inclination to, I am at:
Vincent Square Eating Disorder Service
1 Nightingale Place
Kensington & Chelsea
London SW10 9NG
Of course, I do understand most people will not have time for such things, just if you do. No pressure though.
I wish that when I fell apart I made sure to keep hold of all of the pieces. As it is, they are scattered like confetti all over and I have lost a million little bits of me. If you find any, please tell me, for I will be waiting. If only I could've held on, but this fearsome monster scattered me in the wind and watched me disappear. It was like the tumbling of a pot of glitter, a huge mess sparkling from the floor, and however hard you try, however many times you hoover and sweep, there will still be hundreds of specs, glinting up at you, taunting. I love glitter.
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