I honestly wish I could come to this with a message of success, with the hopeful and happy news that i'm doing much better, that I feel hopeful, that I have been steadily gaining weight. I am humiliated by the truth and i'm sure people must be sick of my moaning. I am sick of my moaning. I want recovery desperately. I want to be happy. I want to be able to eat and not feel guilt. I want to have freedom. I want my brain to be working to its full capacity. I want to have energy. So why the hell can't I just gain weight? Why is the thought of getting on the scales and seeing the numbers go up so abhorrent that I am doing anything I can to prevent it? It doesn't make sense. It's a total head fuck and it is driving me mad. I've been thinking about it heavily over the past few days and i've come to realise something. I am scared, terrified at the prospect of letting go of my 'crutch.' It has become part of my identity, and having lost another part of my identity recently, it all seems too much to lose this as well now. I know I have to, because this is not a good part of my identity, in fact, it is a debilitating and destructive facet, yet, it reflects how I feel. My emaciated body communicates how I am feeling inside. I feel fragile, constantly on the brink of tears. I am terrified, I have no idea where i'm going, if i'm going to achieve anything, if I will get a good degree, if I will get a job, I don't know any of it. I feel vulnerable. I feel disgusting. I feel stupid. I feel I am of little worth. I feel I deserve punishment. My figure reflects all of this. My body screams "I am not coping", and for that reason, I am scared to get bigger. I am scared everyone around me will think "Oh, Maya is fine now, look, she's big again", when actually, I think I will probably feel worse than ever, because I will have lost my security blanket, the knowledge that I am good at one thing...losing weight. Without starvation I will have to be an adult, make decisions. I will probably go back to looking in a mirror and criticising my body for being too big. Look at the fat grasping my hips, the way my thighs curve, no comforting large gap. It will all disgust me. And I am scared I will hate myself even more. Want to lose weight desperately, just like I used to. Anorexia did not just spring up on me. I craved weight loss for years. I wanted to be thin. Every time things were tough and I was struggling, I would set myself a new goal, a lower weight, a new diet, an exercise regime. I just wasn't very good at it. Then some how, something clicked and I became a pro and at first people were telling me how good I looked. And I felt good. I knew I could lose more though and I would be the best and I would feel better. There was always more to lose though. Always the niggling voice telling me that if I skipped lunch, I would feel better, if I pushed myself that extra mile I would feel better, that being thin would give me everything. That people would love me, want to be my friend, I would achieve at school, I would be superwoman...if I was thin. It is devastating to look back over my diaries from childhood, as young as 10/11 I was writing about my weight, drawing pictures of my 'gross' body. I would write about something tough that had happened in the day, something that had made me sad and my solution to this was "LOSE WEIGHT MAYA". Always. This makes me wonder...was I always 'anorexic', just not thin? Impossible, you can't be fat and anorexic? But if you hold the belief that the answer to your problems is weight loss, you strive to be thinner, you obsess over it, what is the difference cognitively? I don't know. I am so scared of going back to that, having all the thoughts, feelings, but being fat. I am scared I will never stop feeling like 'the big one', inferior, less attractive, intelligent, controlled, kind or loveable. Even now, in hospital, I feel like 'the big one'. I feel huge compared to everyone else here. I worry they look at me and wonder why I am here. Discuss me and sneer. I shouldn't care, but I do. My brain is a big scribble. So messed up. I just want to be ok. I don't want to go through the pain of it all though. The struggle of gaining weight. The feelings that will come with it, but with no promise at the end that I will be ok. That I won't always hate myself. I will have lost the comfort of sharp edges and jutting hip bones and had them replaced with soft flesh. At least with anorexia I can blame any rejection on my illness. I is not me they left, it is the illness. What about when it's gone and they are rejecting the fat girl? What if I don't achieve perfect marks? What if I do look chubby in that dress? What if I don't get invited to that party? What if I upset someone? What if people don't want to befriend me....what if I cannot blame any of it on my illness? I look at myself and sometimes I see a thin person, some days I can see how drawn and weak I look. Sometimes, all I see are the bits that I would like to be smaller.
I wish they could cut out a little part of my brain labelled 'anorexia' and insert 'normal cognitive behaviour'. I wish someone could tell me I will be ok and happy, and for it to be the truth. This illness doesn't make me happy, but what if I feel just as awful, but I am big as well? Then no one will help me. I am scared.
But you aren't big and never have been. You were always petite. I know you won't believe that but you were. So stop being scared of something you never were.
ReplyDeleteAnd please don't ever think anyone could ever not love you or not think you're great or not want to be your friend. Weight doesn't affect real friend's perception of beauty, character, personality etc.
You will never not be beautiful so stop being scared and come back to us.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I know that weight doesn't affect my friends views of me, I know that cognitively and in theory. I know I don't give a damn about whether my friends are fat or thin, but I still can't fully believe that people will still be there at the end. Thank you though.
DeleteHi Maya
ReplyDeleteI am also suffering from anorexia and have been following your blog. I completely relate to your post and it is really spooky because I read something this evening that was also about the fear of change. I hope you don't mind me sharing it with you...
'Why is it so hard for us to part with our defects? One major reason for most of us is fear. We are comfortable with our old ways of thinking and acting, even though we know they are harmful. We have no idea what we'd do without them because we've never known how to cope with life any other way. Often we feel we'd be less interesting human beings without some of our defects. While we don't enjoy the pain they often cause us, they are so much a part of us that the thought of having them suddenly removed is threatening to us.
Change is always frightening, even when it's a much needed and long-overdue change for the better. Many of us have wasted years and suffered a lot of pain on order to avoid having to change. Although we may not realise it at first, our commitment to embrace the needed changes in ourselves will give us an extrodinary power to deal with life's challenges. No longer will we go through life clinging desperately to the past, resistant to chance. Having such an attitude, we cannot fail. We will become wiser, saner, more effective people as we recover from this disease. We'll find we can cope with both good times- and bad, learning and growing from each experience.'
I really hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. It's just, I could relate so much to what you were saying and I want you to know that you're not alone in these thoughts.
Take care xx
Thank you so much for sharing that. Good luck with recovery, it takes a lot, as i'm sure you know x
Deleteits sad that you don't want to feel intelligent, kind and loveable as they are all great qualities to see in someone
ReplyDeleteOh no, it is not that I don't want to feel all of those things. I wish I could, so so desperately. Sorry, I didn't explain that very well
DeleteI was shocked when I read that you fear you won't have anything to hold on to once you stop being (super) skinny, and yet you are able to clearly portray what you feel and how convoluted your emotions are. Maya you have an incredible writing style, I am proud to say that I don't have any sort of mental illness (well, that I know of, is any of this real? who could know really!) and yet I couldn't dream of describing my emotions with the clarity that you have. Who knows, with your skill and experience, you could be the next Ken Kesey (One flew over the Cuckoos Nest, worth a read!).
ReplyDeleteAnyway I know this wasn't by any means the main message behind your blog, and it was devastating to read, but I just couldn't shake myself away from your style of writing.
You are so talented I couldn't ever dream of writing like you do. Keep up with your recovery Maya! You can do it. xx
ReplyDeletemost people don't understand what it feels like, people say all the right things but have never been through having an eating disorder themselves. I don't have a lot to say, except I did battle an eating disorder and I can honestly say I am recovered. I never thought I would and it was a long journey, but I did :) things started at about 11, and although by 15-16 I was tecnically a healthy weight again it was still in the back of my mind constantly. it has only been the past 2 years, since I was 20 that I realised I'm happy, I have days like everyone else of criticising myself, but I realise there is so much more to life. that voice in my head is never coming back, I wont let it.
ReplyDeleteyou have to let go of control, it is the scariest thing to do as it is all about control I know. but you have to give up, let someone take over, it is horrible at first, but it works. life is full of uncertainties, you cant control, you have to accept that. as simple as it sounds- eat, I still remember being forced to drink a massive calorie laden smoothie every night, but the more weight I put on, although hard at first, the quieter that anorexic voice in my head got. I cant remember when it went, but I just realised one day it wasn't there anymore.