Yet again, just finished dinner and feeling rather miserable about it all. It all felt a bit much to me and I ended up quite distressed. Mum and I had a little spat about potatoes, which just sounds absolutely ridiculous when I write it down. I felt mum had chosen potatoes which were too big and she would not budge, so we were both quite agitated. It's insane, because about everything but food really I am rational and sensible, but then it comes to my phobia and I completely lose it all. It drives me mad and frustrates and upsets mum. Mum and I ended the spat with me yelling "I WISH I COULD JUST TURN ANOREXIA OFF TOO". I think at that point mum understood that I hate being so silly as much as she does. It ruins everything. Even my day today, I wasn't able to spend the day with dad and some visitors, because of getting my food in. Instead, like a little child once again, I had to go to work with mum, to make sure I ate. So I was sat in the hospital cafe for about 2 hours. I managed to get some work done, so that was good, but I couldn't help feeling horribly sad about where i've got. At the age of 20 I am once again dependent, because I can't care and nurture myself. I'm like a toddler, needing help to eat, being chaperoned.
So, here I am. Blogging for the first time. I suppose i'm partly doing this for cathartic reasons. To release some of my thoughts and to show the truth about anorexia. I'm finally in recovery, but it's sure not been an easy road. The full story will follow, but for now, an update. I've just finished dinner. Egg white omelette, new potatoes and veg. It's impossible to even try to begin to explain how I feel everytime i'm faced with a plate of food. Each mouthful is going against every single instinct I have. My brain is screaming at me to run, to toss the food across the room, anything to avoid it. I can't though. It is against myself I must fight, and fight hard as I am strong. Today at my dietician appointment, I had lost weight. Mum was so disappointed and I felt dreadful. I hate upsetting her. Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL do better.