What's it all about?

How did it get so late so soon? I only just woke up, which turns the day into an absolute nightmare and just constant stress of fitting all my food in. 'Re-feeding' involves six small meals a day; breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. This is, my dietician informs me, the healthiest way to eat and live. He'd prescribe the same diet to an overweight person. Regular, small meals, to keep your metabolism going. It is a complete upheaval eating so many times a day. For the last couple of years i've only really eaten dinner, sometimes lunch. Before this whole process of recovery, I can't remember the last time I ate breakfast. That was pretty much the first thing I cut out, as is common amongst dieters. The thing is, it is absolutely the most stupid thing to do if you want to have a great body. It really is true that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. A good, carby, breakfast kick starts your metabolism and stops you from storing food as fat throughout the day. When my dietician first told me this, I did not believe him. If that were true, then why do so many dieters not eat breakfast? However, he sent me home and told me to do some research, so I did. I was determined to prove him wrong, but I just couldn't. The facts were lined up in front of me. Anorexia got a slap in the face. Breakfast is great for you. This doesn't mean it has got easy though. Just because I am armed with the facts, I think we have established it does not make me rational. Faced with a bowl of porridge, all that knowledge seems to slip out of my grasp. How I combat this...flash cards. Little snipits of wisdom. The cold, hard, facts. I used to hate these flash cards. I now see, it was the little bitch that is anorexia causing me to neglect them. Each bit of knowledge I gain batters the daemon. However, it is still strong. Its power comes in my distress. The moment I am upset, stressed, angry my instinct is to not eat, to exercise. I take out all of those feelings on me. The reality is, it's not really about the food, or my image in the mirror. That would be a hell of a lot simpler.

For us thin ones, I believe it is about control, grasping some control when we feel we have none. Blocking out pain, when things are just too much, causing pain to oneself in some form numbs the original feelings. It is like when you are having an injection and you pinch your leg, or another spot, to draw your attention away from the needle going in. Not eating is just the same. This is vital in understanding anorexia, as I know many believe it is simply women and men who are self obsessed and just want to be thin. I promise you, that is not the case.

I'd like to add a little note at the end of this post to say two things. The first being thank you so so much for all your incredible feedback, kind words of support and for spreading the word. I was absolutely petrified to post this publicly, worrying that people would think I was attention seeking, however, Grace, my incredible, supportive friend pushed me, and I am so glad she did. I just hope some good comes of people having some true knowledge of the illness.

I'd also like to say sorry for not posting yesterday, I was pretty much run off my feet, with both a hospital appointment in Chelsea and a doctors appointment after that to check my vitals. It was good to get the support of my therapist on this, in fact she exclaimed "I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME OUT MAYA", in her fabulous American accent. To make up for my poor show yesterday, I will try my absolute hardest to post twice today.

Thank you again, now I MUST go eat!